Catching up

It's been a few days and I haven't neglected the blog on purpose; I think I missed writing some juicy stuff actually so I'll do my best to catch up.

It's been six days now and I haven't had a day where I've been complete on elimination. In one hand I feel guilty about it, like it says something about my self discipline (which I guess it does lol) and on the other I feel really fine because I'm not eliminating to rule out an allergy, I'm doing it to narrow down the things I can eat, so that I don't go back to old patterns of eating junk.

I'm eating in a lot of consciousness mainly because I have to so thoroughly think through what I'm preparing for myself. So when I get hungry I'm checking in, am I really hungry, or is this just one time in the day when I normally would have eaten? What sounds good, and do I have that? Is it something I can eat, or do I need to come up with an alternative? Is it worth an alternative or should I just eat something else that I don't have to fuss with?

When I eat, I'm more connected to my food. I'm trying to remember to take a moment to acknowledge the people who grew the food, produced it, delivered it - to the plants and animals themselves, to the sun and earth and wind and water - before I eat it. When I eat it is emotionally rewarding in another way because I can see that I am eating something carefully prepared, something that is genuinely good for me, and it feeds my belly and my spirit to eat in this way. It feels a little bit like having bad self esteem and then starting to realize you're good at something, gaining confidence.

I went to a long birth and I did bring snacks but not nearly enough, so I chose to eat what was available. I still feel guilty/a little shame and I need to sit with it - why? Who do I have to answer to, but myself? What does it mean about me that I made these choices? Did it cost me anything to choose this way?

Physically I will say that in the first two days I felt a difference. I am accustomed to not eating until late afternoon, when my blood sugar is basically about to crash. In a physiological panic mode I go to the kitchen and will try to prepare something good for me. Oftentimes I'll just go into town and get something at a restaurant, or I won't eat at all and I'll get a coffee from Starbucks instead, maybe with something sweet. What I'm heavily wanting is protein but I know if I can get my blood sugar back up I wont' feel so sick and that I can eat something with protein afterward.

Granitas are a good topic - I almost always drink them on an empty stomach (it's whole milk, espresso, sugar, whip cream and caramel sauce. Basically a million calories from sugar.) so after I drink it I feel totally crappy. I feel shaky, sick to my stomach, intestinally stirred up, panicky and confused. I rarely drink them, because I know I'll feel this way. I hadn't considered to just eat something with protein if I'm going to drink one. I feel good about not drinking them at all. Why try to find ways to avoid feeling bad eating something that is so bad for me?

I get a lot of my calories from coffee drinks - I love coffee, I love one hot cup of coffee in the morning, and when I go into town Starbucks is on my list of places to stop. It's totally habitual and there is definitely an emotional payoff, kind of like smoking a cigarette after a meal or sex. It's like, "Ahhhhh...."

So far, no huge epiphanies but a lot of little wonderful realizations.