Friday, June 24, 2011


Sugar makes me VERY tired, and also gives me a very persistent headache that bleeds through 400mg of Advil.

That is all.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Finding a rhythm

So I'm not dairy, gluten or sugar free. That can be pretty safely stated - I don't think I've managed it for a single day since I started this adventure. However, I have so greatly reduced amount that I'm consuming that I've lost 9 lbs. :) I directly credit the food because Goddess knows I haven't picked up an exercise routine! ;)

I am finding a rhythm now. There are some big changes, like that I'm not drinking coffee in the mornings anymore. It's not a decision I made, I just don't have a way to do it that is satisfying. It's not about the caffeine, I drink decaf - it's the experience. If I can't experience it the way I want it, I just won't experience it at all. There are definitely days when I wake up and think how amazing a cup of coffee would be (today is one of them) and instead i make a cup of unsweetened tea and am always surprised at how well it satisfies me, even though it's not dark, nor creamy, nor sweet.

I'm still having my Starbucks decaf-triple-grande-white-mocha. However I'm not getting one every time I leave my house. I'm having them maybe once or twice a week, rather than every time I leave the house. I'm still buying a decaf-soy-latte as well so still reducing the amount of sugar I'm consuming too, in that way.

When I get hungry, I do everything I can to find someting to eat that is within my parameters. When I can't, I still eat. It's better to eat something with protein and gluten, than to eat nothing - especially considering my history of not eating all day.

I've noticed my tolerance for sugar is much less. When I drink juice or anything with a lot of sugar, I get a headache. Last night I ate three pieces of pizza and some Sierra Mist. My guts are unhappy this morning and I have a headache. Knowing this makes me really consider before I eat like that again, and I think about all of these things before I eat any food, any time of day. It was a lot of work at first and sometimes when my fridge is uninspiring I feel like this is all too much and I should just chuck it. Then I realize that what I'm eating isn't the problem, it's that in that moment, I'm just caught unprepared. When I'm prepared, I eat really well, I feel great, and I don't have a bunch of guilt when I want to eat something that is 'off' my plan.

Monday, June 13, 2011


Today was pretty intense for me, at least the first half of the day. I slept horribly and woke up later than I wanted to, thus sort of setting back my plans for today. I was grouchy, disconnected, hungry and frustrated at the lack of options in the home, and just generally overwhelmed, and in a hurry to boot. I managed to pack up several options for food (we were heading to the park with a friend) and as we were driving to town I felt that familiar urge to drive through for coffee.

I just sat with that feeling/urge, and noticed that I would often leave my house hungry, and would stop for coffee before actually eating- thus quenching that hunger and allowing me to not eat until even several hours later. Sometimes a second coffee would work for me again and I would just skip all food until it was dinner time. Far too often, dinner was my first meal of the day.

So today I thought, "Man, I'm tired and I want a coffee." I knew I hadn't eaten and I thought, if I still wanta  coffee AFTER I eat, I'll get one. Then came the food negotiations- what can I get to eat while I'm in town? For one thing, I get to spend a little money which is always fun (even accompanied by guilt), AND I get to eat something I shouldn't but I can defend it because I'm "starving".

I realized that I didn't want anything other than what was in the bag I prepared- hummus, veggies, peanut butter, carrots, corn chips and salsa. Not exactly a traditional brunch but I felt good eating food I'd prepared myself, sans preservatives or extra things. I drank water - it all felt so good. Not like "ooh, i just worked out and am feeling good about it", but like I had just eaten what I was craving and I knew it was also good for my body- and that I was not ignoring my body but really, really listening to it.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Catching up

It's been a few days and I haven't neglected the blog on purpose; I think I missed writing some juicy stuff actually so I'll do my best to catch up.

It's been six days now and I haven't had a day where I've been complete on elimination. In one hand I feel guilty about it, like it says something about my self discipline (which I guess it does lol) and on the other I feel really fine because I'm not eliminating to rule out an allergy, I'm doing it to narrow down the things I can eat, so that I don't go back to old patterns of eating junk.

I'm eating in a lot of consciousness mainly because I have to so thoroughly think through what I'm preparing for myself. So when I get hungry I'm checking in, am I really hungry, or is this just one time in the day when I normally would have eaten? What sounds good, and do I have that? Is it something I can eat, or do I need to come up with an alternative? Is it worth an alternative or should I just eat something else that I don't have to fuss with?

When I eat, I'm more connected to my food. I'm trying to remember to take a moment to acknowledge the people who grew the food, produced it, delivered it - to the plants and animals themselves, to the sun and earth and wind and water - before I eat it. When I eat it is emotionally rewarding in another way because I can see that I am eating something carefully prepared, something that is genuinely good for me, and it feeds my belly and my spirit to eat in this way. It feels a little bit like having bad self esteem and then starting to realize you're good at something, gaining confidence.

I went to a long birth and I did bring snacks but not nearly enough, so I chose to eat what was available. I still feel guilty/a little shame and I need to sit with it - why? Who do I have to answer to, but myself? What does it mean about me that I made these choices? Did it cost me anything to choose this way?

Physically I will say that in the first two days I felt a difference. I am accustomed to not eating until late afternoon, when my blood sugar is basically about to crash. In a physiological panic mode I go to the kitchen and will try to prepare something good for me. Oftentimes I'll just go into town and get something at a restaurant, or I won't eat at all and I'll get a coffee from Starbucks instead, maybe with something sweet. What I'm heavily wanting is protein but I know if I can get my blood sugar back up I wont' feel so sick and that I can eat something with protein afterward.

Granitas are a good topic - I almost always drink them on an empty stomach (it's whole milk, espresso, sugar, whip cream and caramel sauce. Basically a million calories from sugar.) so after I drink it I feel totally crappy. I feel shaky, sick to my stomach, intestinally stirred up, panicky and confused. I rarely drink them, because I know I'll feel this way. I hadn't considered to just eat something with protein if I'm going to drink one. I feel good about not drinking them at all. Why try to find ways to avoid feeling bad eating something that is so bad for me?

I get a lot of my calories from coffee drinks - I love coffee, I love one hot cup of coffee in the morning, and when I go into town Starbucks is on my list of places to stop. It's totally habitual and there is definitely an emotional payoff, kind of like smoking a cigarette after a meal or sex. It's like, "Ahhhhh...."

So far, no huge epiphanies but a lot of little wonderful realizations.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Oh boy.

I slept like absolute crap last night- my brain wouldn't turn off, it was hot, I was dreaming a lot. Then the tot wakes up with a screaming nightmare (must smudge her bed!) and it seemed to be downhill from there. I was wide awake from 3-4:30 which sucked - and then she wakes up at 7 ready to go. WTH?

I still have coffee creamer in my fridge. I'm going to consciously choose to have a cup of coffee this morning. I feel a little bad, like I'm giving in, but screw it just this one time. Maybe this will be my one 'slip' for the day- when I quit eating meat I allowed myself one 'treat', so that if there was something I absolutely HAD to have, I could have it and not feel guilty. I totally weaned off of meat this way and without feeling bad. Really I just want to have a cup of coffee and I would feel yucky about just pouring the stuff down the sink. I might do that after I have my coffee this morning anyway, just so that I'm not having this drag out.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Day 1

Well, here I am at day one. No gluten, sugar or um... what was it... oh yes, dairy. I'm sure my memory will improve as this goes along, at least that's what I hear. ;)

So I've realized that I need to get into a new relationship with food. Basically my relationship amounts to a marriage between two people who are staying together for the kids. It's not sexy. It's not inspiring, it lacks...  j'ne sais quoi.

At this point I'm overweight and yet I don't eat much. What I do well is to drink my calories and boy are they delicious. Usually in some sort of coffee format. Oh yeah. Coffee, I could bathe in it. I wonder if that would be beneficial... Hmmm..

Okay, back to today. I'm going to do my best to write every day, near the end of the day. I want to sort of track my daily progress because I think it will be helpful to read backward when I'm struggling.

Today- was pretty easy actually. I actually had a good food day today. I cooked breakfast (wow, I not only ate, but I also cooked! C-c-c-craaazy!). Eggs and potatoes. :) Simple and easy and actually pretty darn quick. I had tortilla soup and salad for lunch- forgot that raspberry vinaigrette has fruit in it (doh!) and coconut water. I did have a soy chai at my meeting and I felt briefly bad about it - briefly. I'm not going to even worry about perfection. It's okay if I don't get it right every single time- the next meal is a new opportunity.

I felt really good all day for the most part. I did get a headache in the late afternoon that did ease up after I had that chai. I can't believe I'm detoxing from sugar on day 1, that seems weird. Tomorrow I'm going to Cyndi's for breakfast and I think I'll get a sugar free vanilla soy latte or something. I'm not a big fan of the sugar free stuff (it tastes like shit!) but they have stevia so I could try that, too. I don't know, I'll sleep on it. Coffee will be by far the hardest thing to give up.

I felt strong all day and then the kids went to bed and my usual rummaging around in the kitchen to find something snacky was not satisfied. I had several minutes of wondering- am I truly hungry (I didn't eat much of the shrimp salad I made) or am I eating out of habit? I felt that I did need a little protein but I wasn't hungry, per se. So Randy warmed up two hot dogs for me and I just enjoyed them with a little mustard - and now I'm satisfied.

I'm definitely craving something sweet to drink though. I'll go to bed and tomorrow will be a new day. Gluten and dairy? No sweat. Dropping sugar? My nemesis, I'm realizing. Holy moly.